Birthday week has left me thinking

Tuesday this week saw me turn 44 years old. Unfortunately I wasn’t feeling too great. I’d been laid up in bed for a few days already feeling pretty exhausted and rotten in a non de-script way. I have also been having terrible sweats which leave me drenched in seconds and constantly freezing. I’d already discussed this with the consultant a couple of weeks earlier and he believed the morphine I am taking is probably the culprit and didn’t seem to concerned to pursue it any further, it is pretty disgusting though and quite demoralising so may need another discussion later.

I was due at the hospital in the morning anyway to have bloods tested for the next days chemotherapy visit so just decided to discuss it with them when I got there. The nurses where great as usual and set about setting up tests and arranged for a doctor to see me. As I suspected would happen I was admitted to hospital. Blood tests confirmed that it was highly likely that I’d picked up a virus. Not the best birthday present I could have received. There probably will be many more because my immunity is pretty low due to the chemotherapy. The chemotherapy was put on hold for a day and I was prescribed IV antibiotics and fluids. I was released on Thursday and the chemotherapy has restarted so I’m back up to date.

I don’t want to go all morbid or anything and depress people but my hospital visit this week introduced to me two people who have left me with some pretty big questions. I won’t identify them but my thoughts are constantly going over discussions with them and I guess most people in my situation will eventually come across the same thoughts. I’m very glad to have met them but its made for a pretty difficult week. I guess actually EVERYONE at some point whether you have cancer or not will need to give these questions some thought.

The first guy is an elderly gentleman. When I arrived as is usual things were pretty quiet on the ward but this fella struck up a conversation and we talked about his life events. The usual, where he was from, family how he’d spent his career etc. What a fascinating life he’d had. A really interesting bloke to speak to and I hope that if I get to his age I’ll have had half the stories to tell as he had. A few hours later his doctor came to see him and asked for a meeting to be set up between him and his family. This was sorted and to cut a long story short he was informed that treatment was not working, risked making things (negatively) accelerate. The doctors wanted to stop treatment and commence end of life planning. I didn’t discuss any of this direct with him but its impossible to avoid everything that’s going on within a ward. I’m not naturally nosey but on a ward there is never 100% privacy. He has asked the doctors to give some treatment one more attempt which they aren’t happy about but have agreed to. They are also deciding whether he’d be better at home or in a hospice. He would like to go home but feels a hospice may be better as his wife will not be able to cope. That in itself is a massive decision.

The thing that got to me and to another patient on the ward was the conversations and visits over the coming days. Very difficult to be in the same place. The guy had told me about his children and how he rarely spoke or saw one of his sons. Not because of a fall out or anything but just down to life and work getting in the way. He made a telephone call to his son from the bed to tell him what was happening and to say his goodbyes and put things in order. He was very controlled over it, not upset and it raised the first set of questions for me. When the time comes how will I approach the same situation? What would I want to say and indeed is there anything that should/needs to be said? What things will I need to do before I consider things to be in order? Do I need to plan this a bit better? If I am presented with the option of going home, staying in hospital or going to a hospice what would be be best, assuming my family could cope with me being home is it fair to put them through it at home just because it might be preferential to me? I don’t have any thoughts on any of this yet but I think its going to play on my mind for a while. I’d be happy to hear others thoughts. As I have said right through this blog everyone is individual and will have different ideas but it has got me thinking.

The second guy I spoke too wasn’t as old as the first fella but a little older than me. Again a really nice fella and he was telling me how he’d been fighting a bit of a long battle that wasn’t going his way. If the next round of treatment didn’t go well then he may only have a year life expectancy. He had been offered a trial but had some real reservations. I was able to tell him about my trial and how things were going and he seemed to take a lot from this, later relaying to his wife that he was keen to discuss the trial offer with his consultant as soon as possible. The questions he left me with are again around things to do before the end. He had chosen to book a holiday, a pretty expensive one that he couldn’t really afford but explained that he had taken insurances that would cover his debts when he died. He clearly has chosen the Bobby Thompson philosophy on financial planning of

“let those who want it worry about how they are going to get it“.

He had other holidays planned which I do wonder how he’ll fit in around his treatment. I fully understand his desire to do the things he feels he needs to do but do hope that doesn’t cause adverse affects to his possible recovery.

I do follow his thinking but haven’t taken the same approach ….. yet. That’s where the questions started for me. At what point do I start doing what I want to do ? What should my approach to financing be? We do ok for money but I won’t be paid full sick pay for ever. I have credit cards etc like most people. I live within my means but do I start using these to do the things I want? I have life insurances and pensions etc which should leave everything well covered but is it fair to leave all this for someone to sort it all out after I’ve gone? Am I being selfish in my thoughts? Will it matter if I haven’t done what I want to do? Will I have had a wasted life or does it matter? My life is already successful in family terms. I have four great kids and a fabulous wife. Is it wrong to want something more just for me? Career wise I’m pretty disappointed. Do I persevere until the end or plan for something else? The mortgage has to be paid at the end of the day. Its been a few years since we even took a regular holiday without thinking of doing things just for the hell of it. We had been thinking of going away this year but that was before I found out I had cancer and started treatment. I will definitely not risk my treatment plan to go away. Facebook these days makes it particularly difficult. When you are reading peoples holiday exploits. Some choose to post every meal report, daily temperature report, pictures of every drink that’s drunk in these wonderfully hot and exotic places. Me knowing that my treatment prevents this for me and the family at the minute. Not that I’d prevent them going away on their own if that’s what they fancied and I’m not being bitter about the FB posts. If it bothered me that much I’d just stay out of the way and not read them  – but its ok to have a touch of the green eyed monster isn’t it ? … you lucky ba*****s

Lets be honest my prognosis is very positive and treatment going very well at the minute but there are never any guarantees. I have no idea if I will be facing this guys dilemmas in a years time. I realise that this is the same for everyone but obviously if you are being treated for cancer then the odds are that little bit more against you and I could probably think of a million things I want to do before I go. Not things that I want for other people but things I want for me. I’ve done the parachuting, zip wires, bungee but there are loads of things I’d like to do and places I would like to see. A cousin who has had similar health problems to me and has come through the other end this week advised me to consider a bucket list and to do as much as possible. She advised to try avoid saying no to anything, although did set her own limits at bungee jumping. Good advice I think but not much in life is free and at some point you have to pay the banker. Again thoughts are welcome.

Finally a little pic and a thanks and shout out to my mate Neil Simpson who made it for me. He’s convinced I’ll boot this cancer malarkey into touch so posted a little battle-cry to my Facebook. Its me to a tee 🙂 (image wise)

 

 

 

 

 

Also thanks for the hundreds of birthday messages I received this week to Facebook and home. Much appreciated. Received some great presents too including tickets to see Wasp in September at the academy in Newcastle so I have to make sure I’m well enough for that.